Address Will Be Provided if Offered Position, Philadelphia, PA | Ask Me to Drinks First | firstname.lastname@example.org
STATEMENT OF INTENT
Highly skilled teacher looking for an adjunct position at a university because, somehow, I still only qualify for an entry level job at the college level. Already overworked and underpaid but wish to apply my experience to educate undergraduate students and open their minds to the truths that academia continues to ignore.
M.A., The College of Cathay Williams and Stagecoach Mary
Area of Focus: English and African-American Literature May 2011
B.A., Euphemia Haynes University
Area of Concentration: Early Childhood Education May 2002
Mutineer Pioneer High school
High School History Teacher September 2019 – Probably December 2020
- Required all students to read the Table of Contents of their US History books in preparation for their first quiz. Questions included: How many times are Native Americans mentioned outside of Columbus, How many times are the lives of Africans explored before they are kidnapped from their homes and enslaved, and How many chapters are dedicated to any one woman who helped build the foundation of America? All students passed with a collective answer of zero, zero, zero.
- Encouraged students to research and portray any historical figure erased from US history in order to educate their classmates. Dean Rickards borrowed his father’s suit to teach the class about Hiram Rhodes Revels. Cheyenne Amos performed a monologue written in the voice of Jackie Mitchell and B.T. led a word puzzle exercise based on Sequoyah’s Cherokee Syllabary.
- Before this section’s presentations, we “dropped” the US History textbooks in a trash compactor. We watched the seams split, the hard covers break, my letter of eventual termination clear as the brief glimpses of history left on the shredded pages the students scattered like confetti.
Westview of the Riverfork Middle School
Middle School Math Teacher September 2015 – June 2019
- Resisted the urge to panic when Madison Shepherd found herself on the wrong side of our classroom door during lockdown. Practiced various breathing techniques while keeping an even tone, telling Madison that she was very brave, to keep her palm against mine through the glass, and that the lockdown would be over soon though—at the time—I wasn’t sure.
- Stayed after school with Mikaela Tillons to tutor her in fractions. My mama can’t help, she says, cause she has to work. Grandma’s too sick and Daddy just spits. Says ‘You don’t need them no way.’
- Noticed that some of the students would linger in the halls or at their desks during lunch. I can’t buy lunch, they’d say. Went to the principle who claimed there was “no room in the budget” and that “it’s their parents’ responsibility.” Brought the issue to the cafeteria workers and started the GIMME program where locals could donate lunches for hungry students to eat during lunch time. The Principle took charge of the program—even has local restaurants cooking meals for the kids monthly—after I was fired for “insubordination.”
Edgewater Valley Elementary
Second Grade Teacher September 2011 – June 2015
- Confiscated Fidget Spinners used as frisbees, notes passed between Natalie Ramos and Grayson Phillips—I never opened them—and Cindy Chestnut’s pigtail after Marcus Nevins managed to cut it off with scissors that I did not give him.
- Comforted Cindy Chestnut while she cried about how her new haircut made her look like a boy—which it did. Red nosed with puffed, freckled cheeks brought the Howdy Doody doll lurking in my grandparents’ attic to mind, causing me to hug her just a little tighter.
- Injected EpiPen into the fatty part of Grayson Phillips’s thigh after he went into anaphylactic shock during lunch. After the paramedics left with Grayson asking for his grandpa from the back of an ambulance, I checked his lunch box and found a half-eaten chocolate-marshmallow brownie. Natalie Ramos latched on to two of my fingers. My mommy wanted to make sure, she said, she asked about marshmallows in her note. She even made some without just in case. I cried in my empty classroom after the final bus left that day.
Sunnyday Sundae Preschool
Kindergarten Teacher September 2004 – June 2009
- Quelled the Great Glue War on the eve of nap time, January 2006. Explained to both parties—The Gentlemen of Elmer’s and the Ladies of Avery Glue Stick—that both were wrong to assume one glue was better than the other. That eating or slurping—depending on preference—would lead to a mad teacher, very mad parents, and very upset tummies.
- Potty trained Miley Harris, though questioned who was training who. When I asked why don’t you sit down to pee her response was my body, my rules.
- Often found myself sitting beside Timothy Wilkins while we waited for his mother to come pick him up after school. One day he asked if I could listen. If he could tell me a secret. He told me that his mother is like Winnie the Pooh, always wanting honey but her honey looks like baby powder. He tells me he’s like Piglet, always helping her and scared and small but does his best to wipe the honey away when she makes a mess. I’m like Piglet, he says, always waiting, hoping she’s not bothering the bees for more.
- Survived (and Passed) the Praxis Exam
- Intermediate Levels of Patience
- Curriculum Development Beyond Dead White Guys
- Captivating Storyteller when the Voices Permit Me to Speak
- Ability to Teach Three Classes in a Row on Five Hours of Sleep, Two Cups of Coffee, and a Pixie Stick (Preferably Red)
- Capable of Avoiding Alcohol but Definitely Smokes Weed, Sometimes with My Students but Mostly with Their Parents
- Unwillingly Frugal, Surviving on a Diet of Ramen, One Shower per Month, No TV Time, and Plenty of (Unwanted) Cardio
- Ability to Locate the Best Stairwells, Closets, Basements, Bathrooms, and Forgotten Classrooms for Optimal Periods of Crying, Outbursts of Anger, or Moments of Sheer Depression When Feeling Underappreciated, Overworked, and Overwhelmed.
— K.B. Carle (from Porcupine Literary)